Monday Night Mav
Welcome back Monday Night Mav readers, all eleven of you, we’re in the home stretch to Extreme Rules which is this Sunday live on PPV. Raw is three hours tonight and live from The Joe Louis Arena in Detroit Michigan.
Teddy Long opens us up in the ring for the contract signing. Teddy goofs up Cena’s accolades and calls him out. Teddy next announces Brock, however we get John Laurinaitis. Well, it looks like we’re not having the signing because Brock’s not here. Big Johnny tells Teddy he goofed up, tells us that we’ll have the contract signing on Brock’s time and demands him to tell Cena to leave the ring.
Teddy asks Cena to leave, and Johnny Ace begins to talk, and freaking Edge comes out. No seriously, Edge comes out! The crowd goes bat guano over this surprise.
Edge came to talk to John Cena, but not this John Cena. I knew he was abducted by skrulls! He wants the real Cena. The one who had wars with Edge in the ring. Edge is here to give Cena a wake up call, for all the guys who truly love the business. The crowd starts a huge Cena chant at this. Edge’s intensity was fantastic. It’s a shame how much the E needs Edge.
-Chris Jericho Vs. Kofi Kingston
Y2J and his amazing technicolor jacket are out first. For a moment I thought Jericho had light up tights as well, but I think it was just sparkly stuff. That’s probably better, I wouldn’t want to know where he keeps the battery pack.
Remembers a few years ago when Kofi was relatively new he and Jericho had a match that made Kofi look like the next huge superstar? Yeah, that didn’t happen tonight. Pretty much the same match they’ve had a few time now. The end sees Kofi go for a springboard and Jericho caught him with the code breaker.
WINNER: Chris Jericho
After the match, Jericho runs down Punk’s family some more, and ties it nicely into the “Extreme” motif of Sundays PPV being Extreme Rules and all.
He also has a gift for CM Punk.
We then go to a history package of Brock killing Jeff Hardy years ago. Who wants to guess that Kurt Angle, Hulk Hogan and whoever else went to TNA gets similar treatment tonight?
Eve comes into Big Johnny’s office and Johnny offers her an executive administrator position. She accepts of course, because that’s how she rolls. Not sure if there was any overtones there or not, because Johnny only has one delivery, but it still was kinda creepy.
Next we get another Brock promo package… essentially last weeks stuff recut. Probably for the best, we don’t want Brock talking too much.
WWE Champion CM Punk is backstage, um, contemplating stuff and Josh Matthews comes in and asks him to comment on what Jericho said, and asks what the gift was. The gift was a basket of cheer. No seriously. it’s a basket full of booze. Punk keeps the Jack, because he’s got ideas for it, he gives Josh the rest and sends him on his way.
After the commercial we get another recap of current events. This time Lord Tensai and company taking out John Cena last week.
-R-Truth Vs. Lord Tensai
R-Truth and Little Jimmy are out first. Why don’t they introduce Little Jimmy. Poor kid gets no respect. Tensai is out, and Sakamoto does get an intro. (Yeah, I finally learned his name! Who says I’m not a journalist!!) Truth gets squished essentially. Crowd randomly starts a “yes” chant. Tensai wins with the Muta mist into the hand and a claw hold slam. Michael Cole tells us that in “Japanese Lore”, the green mist spit into someone’s eyes causes vision problems.
WINNER: Lord Tensai.
Kane is out next. Kane’s promos are just off the page anymore. He does a really creepy promo about how he took out Bob and Randy Orton, and how Randy is a scared little boy, afraid of the monster. Orton then joins us via Titantron and tells The Big Red Monster that after what Kane did he wants in on the fun, and reveals that he’s got Paul Bearer tied up backstage! Orton shoves Bearer into a walk in freezer and tells Kane to come get him.
Kane tells him he doesn’t care about his father and has no intention of saving him. Orton then rushes the ring and a brawl ensues. Orton pulls out a pipe and he beats Kane until he retreats into the crowd.
Meanwhile backstage Alex Riley comes up to Chris Jericho and tells him he was kicked out of the locker room because Punk was getting all liquored up. Jericho doesn’t believe it, so they go to check it out. They peek in and we see Punk is indeed drinking… something.
-Big Show and Great Khali Vs. Cody Rhodes and Alberto Del Rio
Ricky Riccardo Rodriguez is out to announce Alberto Del Rio, who drives to the ring in a Porcshe something, something, something. Show and Khali’s tag team name should be “The freaking giants”. Just saying.
Khali is favoring the knee heavily. But, still it’s two freaking giants in a tag team. Neither Del Rio or Rhodes want to spend a lot of time in the ring with the duo, probably for many reasons Cody and Del RIo get a lot more offense then they probable should. They worked both mens knees for most of the match. Cody is now using the figure four, and I think that’s just brilliant. The son of Dusty Rhodes big weapon being the finisher of his fathers number one rival. It’s also a MUCH better finishing move than that crappy kick. Eventually though, the fact that Khali and Show are giants catches up to the silly humans. Del Rio bails out and Cody gets chokeslammed to death.
WINNERS: Khali and Big Show
We get some cool news of a free pre-show for Sunday’s PPV live on YouTube including Santino Marella Vs. The Miz for the US Title.
After commercial we’re all in Johnny Ace’s office, Jericho is also there trying to convince Johnny Ace that Punk should be stripped of the WWE title because he’s boozing backstage. Eve mentions a policy that prohibits WWE superstars from drinking during events. Guess Steve Austin and the APA and Road Warrior Hawk and everyone else who’s boozed it up in the ring missed that memo. Big Johnny wants proof, so there’s no legal issues, so The Ace sends Teddy to tell Punk he’s getting a sobriety test, and if he fails he’s being stripped of the title. Bum bum bump.
Brock’s decided to show up and Josh Matthews attempts an interview, Brock grabs him by the throat, slams him into the trailer and throws him to the ground. Be a Star Brock, not a bully. Back from commercial and Josh is being taken away in a stretcher.
-Beth Phoenix Vs. Nikki Bella Divas Championship
No, that isn’t a typo, there’s a Divas title match on Raw. Eve comes out before the bell, and says since the Divas pretty much sit around and do nothing, her words, and the Bella’s cheat all the time, she’s making this a Lumber Jill match. Yay, All the divas get a payday! They mention repeatedly that Beth’s title reign is over 200 days long, so I’m expecting her to lose. A few weeks ago on Smackdown Nikki pinned Beth, so there’s a little backstory here. Beth goes out of the ring hard and she may have hurt her leg, there is an odd cluster outside the ring and when they get back in the ring Beth is in some serious pain, she tells the ref she can go on, and Nikki rolls her up quickly for the pin.
WINNER: Nikki Bella (NEW DIvas Champion)
Backstage Teddy lets Punk know about his sobriety test, and that it’ll take place, you guessed it, in the ring. So much for not wanting any legal issues. Could you imagine if other businesses did things this way? Your boss drags you into the conference room and gives you a sobriety test in front of the world. Punk takes it poorly throwing things and staggering. You all see where this is going right?
After the break Teddy calls Punk to the ring, but Jericho comes out to make everything is done right. Punk staggers out to the ring. Punk tells us all this is ridiculous, which we know. They edit out him saying WWE Universe. Maybe he said the F word? (Federation)
The officer asks Punk to recite the alphabet backwards. Punk says it’s stupid and has trouble doing it. He then has to walk a straight line. Punk’s pretty entertaining pretending to be drunk, he hits the Crane pose from Karate Kid, and tells us he knows how to walk the line because he saw Cops. Punk has trouble walking the line of course. Jericho insists that Teddy strips him. Teddy asks the police the results of the test, and they say he’s intoxicated.
Long then tells Punk to hand over the belt, and Punk does. Punk wants another chance at the test.
Punk of course does the big reveal walking the line and reciting the Alphabet backwards. Even though, he did mix up S and T, but heck I know LOTS of people who couldn’t recite the alphabet backwards if you wrote it down for them. When he gets to A, he attacks Jericho and beats the Bejesus out of him. Jericho tries to run, but Punk beats him all the way to the back. Backstage Eve and Big Johnny are not happy.
Oh goody another Brock video recap. I was right, this time it’s Brock killing Hulk Hogan.
Sheamus Vs. Mark Henry
Both guys enter the ring, but there’s no ref. We find out that Daniel Bryan is the special referee. Yes. Yes, Yes, he is.
Bryan antagonizes Sheamus and he gets in his face. Sheamus threatens to knock him out, but as we know from out commentators Sheamus is fired if he touches another ref, because he kicked ones head off a few weeks ago. Sheamus restrains himself, and turns to face an awaiting Mark Henry. Henry clotheslines Sheamus and goes for the cover and Bryan makes the fast three count. Bryan takes the shirt off and throws it at Sheamus. Sheamus goes after Bryan and throws him back in the ring. He gives the Brogue kick to Henry, but while he’s distracted Bryan takes out the knee of the champ. He then slaps the YES! Lock on Sheamus. Bryan leaves the ring Yes-ing all the way.
WINNER: Mark Henry
After a word from our sponsors Matt Striker wants Sheamus’ thoughts on what happened. He calls Bryan a snake, but since he’s not a Saint he’s gonna squish the snake or something.
Epico and Primo (w/Rosa) Vs Zack Ryder and Santino
The WWE Tag Team Champs have issued an open challenge apparently, and out come Zack and Santino. Santino cut his shirt to look like an actual Karate Gi, it was pretty funny. Crowd is very pro Ryder and Santino, as they should be. Lawler is very pro Rosa Mendes, but who isn’t. not a long match. The finish came when Primo drop kicked Santino and Marella rolled threw it, and hit Primo with the cobra.
WINNERS: Zack Ryder and Santino Marella
Kane’s backstage and happens across the freezer Randy locked Paul Bearer in several hours ago. He takes him out, and Bearer is happy that his son is here to save him, Kane says he’s here to save him from Kane, and rolls him back into the Freezer. Isn’t this like the third time that they’ve essentially murdered Paul Bearer?
Epico and Primo are backstage upset over the loss. AW the manager, not the root beer, comes back and gives them his card and says he can help them get the respect they want.
Brodus Clay and Hornswaggle Vs. Dolph Ziggler and Jack Swagger
What fresh hell is this? The Doritos Locos Taco is now sponsoring a match? Apparently, because they’re announced as the sponsor of our next match. HOLY CRAP HORNSWAGGLE HAS A JUMPSUIT LIKE BRODUS! Cole call the Funkettes the Funkadactyls, I like it. Horney has full matching gear. This is just plain goofy. Vicki breaks up the party to introduce her team. I have no words to describe Vicki’s outfit. Cole says she’s dressed like a magic carpet, that’s a pretty fair description actually.
We get LOTS of Taco Bell references, which is actually making me want a taco. Horney starts and gets beat down quickly, he tags Brodus who cleans house. A few minutes into the match, Vicki runs in and slaps Brodus. The Funkadactyls and Brodus surround her, and she calls time out. She then runs and gets Brodus’ hat and puts it on his head. Hornswaggle then bites Vicki on her ample posterior. There is more dancing to end one of the crazier segments in recent memory.
More Brock Vs. TNA, this time he’s squishing Kurt Angle, shock.
After the commercial we get ANOTHER Brock promo, this one, the same one they’ve shown over and over, and already once tonight.
It’s contract signing time. Johnny Ace is officiating, and he brings out Brock. He announces Cena, who does not come out. Brock says he has business with Johnny Ace, and since Cena’s not there he wants to talk now.
Brock wants some changes. He’s not happy and has some demands. He wants to be in charge, he wants Vince’s private jet, etc. This one goes on for a long time, a real long time. Lesnar repeats every sentence 15 or 20 times, Brock refuses to sign the contract unless he gets his way. Eventually Ace agrees to everything and Brock signs the contract. Out comes John Cena, at ten after eleven.
Cena stands there, with a chain wrapped around his fist. Brock says he can feel Cena’s fear. I wonder if he can feel my boredom. Cena eventually signs and then throws the contract and Brock turns the table over. They stare at each other for a while and then Brock leaves.
Raw had THREE HOURS tonight, and still ran 15 minutes past time. The last segment was just plain poor. I mean it was bad. Brock is not a good talker, however he did a great job of coming off like a whiny prick, which wasn’t acting. But whoever thought a 15 minute confab between Lesnar and Johnny Ace was a good idea should be shot out of a cannon into a pool of exploding sharks. I really can’t stand what they’ve been doing with Cena, it makes no sense whatsoever that the GM would want to get rid of the guy who makes them the most money and brings them the most positive press. Even when Vince was going after Austin, the general gist of the story was, he didn’t want Austin gone, he wanted him to play by the rules, to be a more corporate champion. Vince even said Austin was too valuable to get rid of.
One thing that’s kinda bugging me, but kinda not is the Daniel Bryan situation. Bryan is WAY over, well, at least his “Yes” chant is. They need to either turn him face and embrace the chant, or have him stop it all together. Heel 101 says that if the crowd is getting behind you doing something, don’t ever do it again! It’s really that simple. Don’t get me wrong, I think the chant is hysterical, and Bryan has been doing an amazing job of being a little jerk, however as long as he’s being portrayed as an arrogant little punk, he shouldn’t be pandering to the fans. He started to cut the cored off after Mania, but has since started encouraging the chant. It’s a tough spot, because he’s a great heel.
Edge and Paul Bearer were great surprises, and overall the show wasn’t that bad, if not disjointed. Big Show and Khali make a interesting tag team, they could make life miserable for heel tag teams, if they had more than one that is. Some odd segments for sure, I’m not sure where the Hornswaggle Brodus team started, but it was entertaining. However they need to start flushing out Clay’s matches more, he’ll go farther that way.
The ending of the Divas match was odd as well, I hope Beth isn’t injured.
As horribly predictable as the Punk Jericho story was this week, it was still well done. Jericho is still doing amazing work, and Punk had a chance to fire back this week and do some great stuff as well. I think Jericho goes over in the hostile crowd this weekend.
Next week we’ll have Extreme fallout for sure. See you then.
Maverick writes Monday Night Mav and Comic Roundup for Totallydriven.TV Check out his personal blog at