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Stately States : What’s in a Set of Intials

Stately States

by Stately Wayne Manor

What’s in a set of Intials

Some has-been who hasn’t gotten anything published in ages–and never was good enough to write even ONE wrestling column–once posed the question, “What’s in a name?”  I, being far cleverer and more tuned in to today’s Now Generation, with their kooky Flower Power signs and electrified guitars, up the ante (and say “Up your auntie”) by asking “What’s in a set of initials?”

Because anyone with a lick of sense–which rules out Midwesterners–memorized Stately States 10, there’s no need to reiterate my thoughts on The Trailer Tramp, AJ Styles.  But what’s the deal with this ditzy dingbat AJ Lee?

Maybe her peculiarity has something to do with the Lee family having a summer home in Chernobyl.  And I suppose growing up with Squeaky Fromme as a role model was bound to alter AJ’s development.  But regardless of the cause, this girl is NUTS.

According to her tweets, AJ was thrilled beyond belief upon her initial entrance into the Raw GM’s office.  Of course she was–it was the first time she had ever been in a room without padded walls.  I mean, this wifty waif has more loose screws than a hardware store!

A line on the daffy Diva’s resume reads, “AJ has an electric personality”…which is the only time I’ve ever seen “She’s had numerous shock treatments” phrased that way.  Remember when CM Punk had the Straight-Edge Society?  AJ belonged to something similar, The Strait-Jacket Sorority.

Notice how her head constantly tilts to the right.  It got stuck that way because the mental asylum wouldn’t let her sleep on a pillow.  Can’t blame them:  this chick is less stable than a drunk standing on a speedboat during a tsunami.

The head tilt is the only physical affectation seen on TV thus far.  The one printable thing ever whispered in my ear by Lay-er (you know her by her full name, Layla E) is that, off-camera, AJ has more nervous ticks than an animal shelter on euthanasia day.  Hell, it’s common knowledge that every Halloween AJ goes trick-or-treating as a sane person.

And puts razor blades in her own apples.

It’s agreed, then, this is one sick chick.  But being a compassionate individual always longing to bring out the back side, er, best side in impressionable young ladies, I am here to help.  What Loopy Lee needs is several lengthy sessions of Dr. Stately’s Spankopathic Therapy, as being bent over the couch under my firm hand has permanently changed many a woman’s life.  (Ask my parole officer.)Image

Now, some of you might be thinking, “Well, yeah, Stately is incredibly attractive, but he’s gotta be making up this stuff about how all these wrestling women drool over him.”  So when I say I know, by the way she wiggles her sweet seat while skipping to the ring, that AJ yearns for said sessions, you claim it’s a lie.  I’ll answer that challenge with a public announcement:  “AJ, if you deeply desire my unique brand of high-impact gluteal stimulation treatment, signal so by wearing a gray pants suit on the August 30th show in Brisbaine, Australia.”

You’ll see, skeptics, you’ll see!!!

Brusbaine Times photo of AJ Lee, dated 8/30/2012.  Case closed.–>

From the truly deranged, to the truly dim, ladles and gentiles, I give you Ryback…because I sure as hell don’t want him.

I’ll give Fool’s-Goldberg this:  the man is strong as an ox…and almost as smart.  This is the same guy who went up to a coach when he was living in the Tough Enough house, and asked “Duh, how long do you cook this minute steak?”  Another time, he refilled an ice cube tray with water and asked how long to keep it in the microwave.  No wonder the imbecile is always shouting “Feed me more”–he doesn’t know how to prepare a complete meal!!!

Despite having to scrape by on raw fruit and whatever he finds in the McDumpster, it’s clear Ryback is as healthy as a watermelon…and nearly as sharp.  One thing’s for certain, he’s never eaten brain food.

You may hear the WWE announcers claim that Ryboob reads over 20 books a month.  What they fail to explain is that they’re comic books.  Understand, people, we’re talking about a buffoon who thought the Brooklyn Bridge was something Joey Ramone got from a New York dentist, and thinks champagne is a faked injury.

When a bunch of golf enthusiasts on the ring crew invited him to join them on an outing to a driving range, Ryback replied, “I’d love to, but I don’t have a driver’s license.”  The man’s a moron, I tell you.

People think he shaves his head, but actually he’s been bald since age six.  His hair follicles got worn out from spending so much time wearing a dunce cap.  When Terry Funk went to school, he was known as The Funker; when Ryback went, he was known as The Flunker.

I understand Ryback has agreed to donate his brain to medical science.  In fact, they’ve already put aside a special transport vessel just the right size for it.  It’s called a shot glass.  I guess that’s appropriate.  After all, when the docs asked Ryback for a stool sample, he brought in his seat from the corner bar.

Believe it or not, if you examine Ry’s Wikipedia profile, you’ll learn he s a member of MENSA.  Hey, I was more shocked than anyone…at least until discovering it’s the other MENSA, the letters standing for Mental Equivalent of Neanderthal Stone-Ager.

Like I said, what’s in a set of initials?

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