by Bryanne Marks
Realizing it is Never Too Late to Start Over in Life
Where I will be in eleven years……DENIED!
A few months prior to my high school graduation I had it all planned out. I wanted to go to Monmouth University so I was closer to family. I wanted to marry my (now) ex-boyfriend. I wanted to be a history teacher. By the time I was 30 years of age; I wanted a child and be ready for the next one. Well I have NONE of that and here is why.
Right before I graduated, my high school counselor and mother both rejected the idea of Monmouth University because they didn’t think I could handle it. I had poor grades, mainly because I was lazy. The school I had gone prior to was college compared to the school I went to the one I actually went to. The level of education was different. My parents were also not financially stable enough to afford to send me as much as they had hoped to do. So… I ended up going to Brookdale Community College and paying the tuition by myself. By the time I finished Brookdale, with my own cash, none of my friends could get teaching jobs. So what did I do? I said “fuck that” and chose a different route, nursing.
I broke up my boyfriend (the now “ex” I mentioned above) in between that time and dated several different guys trying to find “the one.” I met a guy who, although I loved him, I let him run my finances to the ground. I even let him propose to me even though I wanted to end it and was afraid. So I stuck around and wasted another two years with him. Finally I left him but it left me with 10,000 and an associate’s degree. Again nothing to show for all the hard work I had done.
By then I was 28 (I had dated my ex fiancé for 6 years). I had a job in the medical field, but had not gone into nursing school. Long story short, my ex-fiancé mentally controlled me and kept me from doing what I wanted, when I wanted. I lost my mind to the point of cutting myself and anorexia. No one had a clue, or they were too afraid to say anything. I even tried to kill myself. Now this is coming from the person who is afraid to die. But I was ready that night. Luckily whoever, or whatever, is out there made him not come home that night. My plan was foiled.
I did get the help I needed. And to this day, I do struggle from time to time which sucks majorly. Eleven years later, and I look at myself and say “I’m about to be 30 in February and I have NOTHING.” I mean NOTHING to show for it.
Today, I finally do have the family and friend support I need. I don’t need a man to make that happen. I just wish I had the degree I wanted. I’ve been in the medical field for 4 years now, and guess what: I hate it. I will not go into detail but now in the spring I am going to school for a Vet Tech and I can not wait. I think this is my “calling” or whatever and hopefully in that run I meet someone and I finally, and I mean FINALLY, get what I deserve. A life worth living.
So to those out there at whatever age, and I do mean whatever age 15, 26, 38, 42, 55, 60, you can start over at any time. Yes, there are days I go “what the fuck?”. And there are days I look at the couple in front in me and I want to punch them in the face. There are woman/men who are younger than me, who are my higher ups, and I want to punch their face too. But you know what?Did they have to fight for that they got or were they handed it? Think about it? If I were handed it, I’d blow it all away. I am PROUD of my Brookdale Community College degree because I worked full-time and went to school full-time to get that degree. If my parents had paid, I’d go half the time and I probably wouldn’t have that degree.
So the next time you are down on yourself for anything, think about the people who do have what you want and ask yourself: how did they get it? Did they fight like we are? Did they inherit money? Did they suck someone’s dick for it? I mean they did something for it… didn’t they?
Thank you again to Maryann Morris for not only being my friend but my editor. You can follow her on twitter at @MsMaryannM
Don’t forget to follow me on Twitter @bryisawesome.